(Heh. If only I could draw those dirty little naked kids)
Vorpal bunny posted something to her blog a while back, about what love means for her. It really resonated with me. Since she said I could pilfer it, i'm totally gonna!
If you love me you will validate my feelings, even if they are based on an hallucination.
If you love me you will compensate for my weaknesses without rubbing my nose in it and reminding me all the time.
And, if you love me you will gladly benefit from my strengths without bringing your own shame and fear of inadequacy to my accomplishments.
Like i said, that really resonates for me. Interestingly, those would have been the top choices for me as well, though i know others would define "you love me" differently. Maybe it's because we had some common messages as kids, vb and i, or maybe it's something else. Don't know, but i know those things hold true for me, and i know most of my "love" relationships have ended because one or more of those things just wasn't present.
But i've learned a few more tangible things about what love means, to me, at least. Or about the things that make a difference, and make a believer out of me. 'Cause i admit - i'm not always a believer, when someone says they love me. It's not poor self-esteem, it's not negative self-image, and it's not even that i'm all that jaded about love.
I believe in love. I believe *i'm* lovable. And i know i'm loved, by enough people to make me really feel the better for it.
But i don't always believe it when someone says it. Or maybe i do believe it, but i don't believe that they love like *i* love, and so that love of theirs? Not enough. Fuck if i know, i'm still detoxing from pain pills, so it's entirely possible i don't know shit.
Still...how do you show me you love me?
* Stroke my face and play with my hair, when there's absolutely NOTHING in it for you, just because it makes me happy and at peace.
* Kiss me, like you mean it, after i've been throwing up all day. Extra points when you do it without being asked.
* Make me a meal of the things i ask for, so i can eat three bites, tell you i'm going to be sick, and tell you "sorry baby" when you throw every last bit out.
* Hold the garbage can and wipe away my tears, because, yeah, i meant that "i'm going to be sick" thing.
* Fuck me. When i've been throwing up, crying, pleading for the pain to stop, high as a kite and making no sense even to myself, and nattering endlessly about how disgusting i look - fuck me anyway and tell me how hot i make you.
* Keep it together enough to know that you might have to take me back to the hospital in the middle of the night, so you'll need to be able to drive.
* Cuddle me close, when i've been sweating, barfing, and generally nasty all day long. Kiss my cheeks and tell me you love me and that of course you still think i'm hot. (You lose no points if it's a lie - pretty lies still win).
* Bring me licorice, because a passing comment, days before, stuck in your head and you remembered.
In short?
Show me that i matter, that you're hot for me no matter what, and that you'll be there, just how i need you to be, in the times that really matter. Because then, when you aren't there sometimes, i'll know that those are the times that don't really matter.
'Cause all the other stuff is just fear, and being too retarded to not stumble through it, and battling for control. And you can work past the rest, if you can still have barfy kisses. Sometimes, anyway.
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