Either way, ya had to know it was only a matter of time until those changes started manifesting - not just publicly, but publicly, on the island of misfit toys. And here we are.
Just a few weeks ago (it seems like, anyway), my kid was given yet another working diagnosis. So I changed from "mother of an ADHD kid" to "mother of an aspergers kid" to "mother of a kid who may have schizophrenia". Our situation has changed, so my identity has changed, as his has.
Just a couple days ago (it seems like, anyway), I finished school, a pretty overwhelming change all its own. Being adaptable and cooperative, I framed and reframed that experience so it was manageable, and even enjoyable, and became accustomed to a new routine. I changed my attitudes and beliefs and even my identity, as I moved from 'manager' to 'student' to 'owner of knowledge and awareness'. I changed, because change was needed.
Just yesterday (it...you get the gist), I realized I'm back in the working world, on a normal basis. I'm working in the field I went to school for, doing work that has value and meaning and I am proud of, and I'm making money to do it. I've made contacts, I've made friends, and I've learned more, yet again. My identity has changed from 'student' and 'owner of knowledge' to 'employee' and 'developing expert', and even in some cases 'the girl who knows'. I changed, because change was available.
And now, I've met someone. He's a good man, with a good heart, who wants to love me and discover me and explore me and settle me (god, thanks bunny), and he brings with him a lot of changes. Changes to the way i see myself, and my world. Changes to they way i structure my day, to the way i interact with my world, and to the way i interact with myself. He's not kinky, but he's open, and he's an explorer. He's not a dominant, but he's alpha, and he's a competitor, and he's willing to work to keep my attention away from the other shiny boys. He's not perfect, but he's pretty damned good, and he's willing to let me like him anyway, in return for interacting with him.
I've changed, because change has come knocking.
I can't say i'm not kinky anymore, any more than i can say i'm not white. It's hard wired into me, to process things through pain filters, or submissive filters, or perverted filters. Those are the eyes i was born with, and they're the eyes i see with. I can't say that's changed, because it isn't required or possible.
But i'm open to not expressing it in the ways i have in the past. Because the cost of relating to this man, this amazing man who shines brightly and has caught my focus is that I have to be willing to explore myself. Explore ways to not rip out that wiring, but instead, use alternative energy in combination with the wiring to light my house. And i want to light my house, because it's so much warmer when it's bright in here. I've changed what i'm willing to pay, because the market's changed and the prices have changed and the currency has changed.
My posts are going to change here, some, over the next while, at least I imagine. He's monogamous, at least for now, and his expectation for himself is that i will be as well. That's not a change for me - i'm not smart enough, energetic enough, or together enough to divide my attention and my affection and my interest among several different people. The price I pay for intimacy is that I deposit all my intimacy in one bank, and i'm good with that. It's not a change.
He's possessive, and has been willing to be vulnerable to me, and i want to respect that. That's a change, because i honour and respect that in different ways than he's used to, so i need to reframe and change that. I'll change, because change was asked, sincerely and with vulnerability.
I'll be around. I'll even be posting. Change, though, is good.
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