I know that I'm ready. I know that, because I've finally figured out what I am.
For a long time, I couldn't answer that. I couldn't answer it because I was too busy cataloguing what I'm not. I'm not stupid, I'm not single, I'm not a woman with a university degree, I'm not happy with my job, I'm not kinky I just like it weird, I'm not I'm not I'm not...
I'm not concerned with what I am not anymore. It's time to become what I am.
I am a woman who loves being a woman. I love my girlness, and my femaleness, and my womanness. I love that I am soft, and hard, and squishy and sharp. I love my skin and the way it feels from inside my body, even when I don't like the look of it because I figure I shouldn't, and because I don't get the reaction I think I am entitled to.
I am a woman who is not entitled. I am entitled to nothing, even my own self-respect, but it's an offering I make to myself every day, and every day, I choose to accept, gratefully, because it makes the inside of my skin feel really good, and makes the outside seem a little shinier too.
I am shiny. People comment on it, and have for a long time, and for a long time, in my "i am not" phase, i doubted them. "I am not worthy of that notice" or "I am not being real, i am being shiny". Because shiny was a thing to be feared, since it's not like everyone else.
I am like everyone else. Everyone shines, in their own way, even the dullards. You just can't see them shine, 'cause you can't be bothered to look.
I am worth looking at, and I'm interesting to look at. I shine and i sparkle and sometimes I even laugh. I never really doubted it, but i did, and do, forget it. Shoes help me remember, but so does sparkling bright. I sparkle.
I am a woman who wants to be on the bottom. I want to be there not because I deserve there, or because it's the right place for me, because I am not entitled. I want to be there because I choose to be there, and because I can be there, and because it feels great inside my skin to be there, even when it doesn't feel so great outside my skin.
I am a woman who wants to love, and be loved. I reach out in love all the time, and try to disguise it as humour or sarcasm or friendship or anger or fear or joy or tears or laughter or learning or listening. All of those things, i do because of love. Because of the promise of it, or the fear of going without.
I am a mother, who loves her boy enough to make the sacrifices that aren't noble, but that make me feel safe. I don't do it because it's responsible, or right, or moral, or even because I love him. I do it because I can't imagine my world without him, and I can't imagine my mirror knowing that.
And I'm happy about that, even when my skin feels like I'm not.
I'm a woman cries when music moves me, and laughs at my own jokes, and smiles at babies on the bus and thinks shitty thoughts about people I think are dumber than I am, even when they deserve better. But I'm a woman who believes they aren't entitled either, so I think those thoughts anyway, and I still like the way my skin feels.
And i am a woman who is terrified - beyond words or thought or even emotion - of heights. The summit of happiness is reached when a man is ready to become what he is...and that summit is a very elevated place. People are mere specks from up there, and it's scary to lose the whites of their eyes. Scarier still to think they'll see mine as I fall.
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